merelyalady's Journal

BTdubs
So I've been rereading some of my LJ entries (which seem to come in bursts and then die off- mainly because I think of stuff to write almost daily but forget it by the time I get to my computer). I wish I was less vague sometimes because some of the entries I'm like "Who and WHAT was I talking about? I was afraid that would be too obvious and only a year or two later I have no idea who I'm talking about?!" that includes the 10 things (of 10 different people) entry. I know who like... 4 of them are. I really should have stuck in a private entry with who they were or something for myself. I love looking back at myself and being like "wow I thought I was who I wanted to be then? Why? What was I thinking!?" or "I liked HIM? Seriously? Please tell me I wrote that as a joke..."

Current Mood: nostalgic

So I feel like this last year, maybe in this last semester, I faded away from a lot of people. Or maybe it's just people I never thought I'd fade away from while I was still in school. And I'm sure it's partially my 'fault' for not keeping up as well as I should have, but I did try and some people just didn't respond. I know there are going to be more people after having graduated that I'll fade away from and probably never see again. And for some odd reason, I'm ok with that right now. I don't know if I'm just mentally blocking it right now, but I feel ok about it. Maybe because this already happened with high school. Maybe I knew all along it wouldn't last. However, there are one or two people I'd like to go up to and ask "Did we just fade away or did something happen that caused a rift?" If it's just that we faded away, well that's sad, but it happens. If it is something that happened, something that I did, I'd like to know so I can see it coming in the future. Not necessarily so that I can change it because maybe it's something that's just who I am and if they don't like it a friendship isn't going to work out long term anyways, but just be able to realize it could happen again. But how do you approach that subject? And is it worth it?

At least I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I'm just hoping in a few weeks it won't hit me that I'm most likely never seeing them again and get me really down.

Current Mood: contemplative

Why is it that it seems that I'm unable to be really close with anyone? Is it that I subconsciously keep people out? Or is it that I'm just not the kind of person people can be close to? Is it as Julia Roberts said in Runaway Bride "There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."

Current Mood: depressed

wow...
I knew it had been a long time, but I didn't realize it had been this long. I was pretty busy during polo season, what with traveling every weekend all over the place, including California. And then during the Sabres playoff stuff I didn't want to write because I'd only be mad. And then it seemed like I needed something really good to make it worthwhile to post. But oh well, I decided to bite the bullet and just write.

So the question- Do we all have that one person that we will always like? That we will never completely be able to shake? Is it that we're doomed to like someone who either doesn't or can't return the feelings, that will always be sitting in the back of our minds (or maybe even closer to the front) even when someone else comes along? Maybe it will finally go away, but I'm a little worried it won't.

On another note, this summer is flying by and I still have so much to do. I'm gunna go crazy soon! Ah!

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: some tv commercial

I'm confused...
Lindy Ruff's decision to match his tough guys against Ottawa's top line prior to Thursday's brawl between the Sabres and the Senators will cost the Buffalo coach US$10,000. ~nhl.com

Now... does that sentence seem irrational to anyone else? I could see if it read "Lindy Ruff was fined for telling his players to go beat up Ottawa's top line." but it doesn't. Apparently in this league you can get fined for a lot for just placing 5 people plus a goalie on the ice. That makes NO sense to me whatsoever. I love hockey. But come on people here! Let's get our priorities straight! All the awful calls this season, lack of fines for horrible hits, not just on the Sabres, and we chose this to make a point? I can understand why people looking in from the outside are disgusted with the league and then also by default, with hockey.

Sum up weekend:
-Went to Bucknell with the polo girls. Didn't play in any of the games, but my team played well. And one of these days I'll get to play. I think. I hope.
-Roomed with Whitney, Liza, and Val and had people in our room watching TLC, Dr. Phil, and Bone Collector
-Ate good food
-Stayed in a pretty cute hotel. Quite the step up from the Value Inn Motel in Wisconsin freshman year. (please tell me we're staying at a different hotel this year...)
-Got annoyed with other refs
-Went to the Newsboys/Kutless/StellarKart concert. The Newsboys are AMAZING in concert. They had a runway that went out into the audience in a T shape and I was on one of the top parts of the T so I was inches from a few of them. I got hit with Captain Crunch. The drummers platform- a circle- raised up about 7 feet, turned on its side, and spun. Like an amusement park ride. It was AMAZING. Everything was bolted down and the drummer was belted in. At the top of the T there was another round stage and the singer/guitar player was playing drums on it and that stage also raised up about 7 or 8 feet, but that one didnt spin or tilt. It was still amazing.
-Was generally happy!

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Newsboys!

Walking in Memphis...
Random I know, but...

How does anyone live in Memphis? Everytime I hear the word Memphis instantly in my head I'm going "WALKING IN MEMPHIS... Walking with my feet 10 feet off the ground." My fav tennis player- Andy Roddick- is playing a tournament in Memphis this week and everytime I go to his website to check updates I hear in my head "Saw the ghost of Elvis..." or "Are you a Christian and I said 'Maam I am tonight'" some other line from that song. How do people there just not burst into song every time they think of where they're from or see the signs on the expressway or tell someone where they're from. I'd go mad!

Off to a polo tourney at Bucknell. I'll be back Sunday night, hopefully in time for the Newsboys concert!

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Walking in Memphis- Lonestar version

Goalie fight!
If you like hockey/goalie fights...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49sqgSv5SE0&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ehockeyfights%2Ecom%2Ffights%2F31790
Sabres vs. Ottawa last night, all 12 players, goalie fight, coaches yelling at each other. Umm... don't listen too closely to what the coaches are screaming at each other if you have sensitive ears. Jennaret is AMAZING!
:-D:-D:-D:-D

Yea, so Marty got schooled, but it was still a goalie fight and a screaming match and all the rest.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Rick Jennaret

nearing 21...
I always feel this great debate when I'm going to update my LJ. That is, after I get over the guilt of not having posted in forever... The debate is whether to post an update on my daily life or something from my thoughts. Do people want to hear about the swim season ending or my thoughts on marriage? I never know, so today I'll give you a little of each.

Swim season ended last weekend and it was pretty rough. Two of my races went amazingly well and the other went horrificly awful. Overall, I was pretty happy with my races. Seeing the end of swim season come was pretty hard. I'd gotten closer to the team and most of the people I won't see anymore. All the people to joke around with, share lanes with, and you know... flirt with a bit, they're all gone until next season. Some of them are gone for good. It was hard to say goodbye to a season that was so good.

School is going pretty well. if you want to know about my classes, you can always ask. When I tell people about Courtship and Marriage it always seems to spark some kind of discussion and/or debate. Earlier this week we watched a video on arranged marriages in that class (hosted by John Corbett!!!!!) and the next day my friend/freshman year roommate got engaged and it got me thinking.

I was thinking if I was raised in that kind of culture, I wouldn't be opposed to an arranged marriage. And then also seeing the people in the US that get almost arranged marriages-- I mean I think I could do an arranged marriage even though i never would have thought I could. But then that got me thinking even more and... living in today's society and being who I am, I don't want to get married THAT much. I can't ever see myself going to some matchmaker seriously or allowing anything like the version of arranged marriages in the US. Not that I'm opposed to it, but I'm doing just fine on my own. It made me realize that. I'm doing great on my own and if marriage is in the cards, great, but I dont have this beyond burning desire that I want to get married, that I NEED to get married, that I need it to complete me or anything. I think I've always kind of known that, but it made me happy to realize it even louder that there are some people that really want to get married (and I don't look down on them at all) and so they do, but I'm not going to get married just to get married. It's nothing feminist or 'strong woman', it's just me.

2 days till I'm 21! I'm not really that excited, but yet I am. It means no more hassle of not being able to get in places and it means if I want a drink I can have one. :-D

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: "A Thousand Days" Clay Aiken

Quick update
Didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd updated. There's a lot of things that I want to write but I'm just gunna say what's been on my mind today.

I definitely admire people that own up to their past and are not ashamed of it. They can realize that it is who they are. I have to admit in some situations I am kind of jealous. I wish I could have that kind of acceptance of some stuff. Hopefully, I will be able to at some point in my life.

I also discovered there were things that I thought guys talked about when only guys were around. But apparently, they'll talk about them, and in front of me. Kinda like that too.

finals make us all a little crazy...
Rachel (one of my roommates- roommate from last year too) and I are such spazes. Especially when we've been studying far too much.

Her away message:
Rachel: I bet if you went running through the halls asking for chocolate, you'd get it.
Ria: Probably. I'd also make a fool of myself.
Rachel: Or you'd make some new friends. 8-)

My away message:
Rachel: Ria, are you getting up now? I'm leaving and won't be here to wake you up if you fall back asleep!
Me: I'm up, I'm up.
Wow, scarily similar to conversations I've had with my mom at home.

Also happening around this time I walked out of the room (to go get the aforementioned chocolate, though not by running through the halls), looked at my stocking (we all have stockings in the hall) and realized there was chocolate and a candy cane in it. I walked back in and was like "How long has this been in there!?" Rachel started cracking up and told me our RA put it in yesterday. Everyone else in my suite had already taken theirs out.

and while studying my Civ Arts music:
miroandbroklover (1:23:05 PM): i always fear falling for a don giovanni type. like, since i dont particularly get hit on a lot that when i do i'll just be like... to starstruck to realize the guys scum. kinda like Zachary in the LEngle books. I think I'm not that dumb, but you never know...
violin2praise (1:23:21 PM): right
violin2praise (1:23:32 PM): it's something you think/hope won't happen
violin2praise (1:23:40 PM): but in actuality has a possibility
miroandbroklover (1:23:45 PM): yea
miroandbroklover (1:23:52 PM): at least i'm aware it can happen?
violin2praise (1:23:56 PM): maybe
miroandbroklover (1:24:02 PM): and hopefully you'd all smack me around if i did
violin2praise (1:24:09 PM): that's the plan
miroandbroklover (1:24:15 PM): good
violin2praise (1:24:19 PM): you're welcome

Also- yesterday Rachel was sitting on my bed and looked at my alarm clock and said "DUAL ALARM! I always heard you talking about two alarms but couldn't figure it out because I only saw one clock!" Ah... silly girl.

Physical Chem exam is COMPLETED! I powered through it in 35 minutes. I think I did pretty well. Somehow. With a lot of thanks to Harrison- who is definitely not allowed to graduate this semester because my life is going to be a whole lot more boring and I might start failing p chem since I wont have a study buddy...

4 exams to go!

Current Mood: working
Current Music: Beethoven's 5th Symphony

Random thoughts
On my way out of the room this morning to my last Tuesday 10:05 class of the semester, my roommate Becca stops me and says "Wait, you have a class now?!" I said "Um, yea, all semester..." and she continued to have a very confused look on her face.

One more day of classes!

Dr. Condor in class today talking about being sick. "I may have to make a run for the bathroom at some point. That sounded like a threat didn't it? That I might throw up on you. Haha, Ria's thinking 'Go! Get out of here!'" Yep, I definitely was. He did NOT look good today.

It's been a happy few weeks. I've astounded myself and I guess you could say I'm more the person I want to be. Always a good thing to realize you can make it through the rough times.

I have to say I am *slightly* jealous right now in a certain situation. Some people just get ALL the luck. Ah well, I'll be fine. Doesn't help that I'm highly competitive so sometimes the competitive part of me makes the jealous part of me worse.

A ton of work to do in the next week, but it must not have hit me yet or something because I'm still really upbeat.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Lonestar "I'm already there"

meltdown...
I wish I was back in middle school or elementary school. When my entire life was ahead of me and I had plenty of time to figure out who I am, what I want to do with my life, who I want to spend it with, and who I want to have around me. I feel like I'm running out of time. I guess I am who I am, but I'm not sure I know who that is. I wish I could get an honest opinion from someone else as to what they think of me, but a close friend will rarely tell you to your face all your flaws, and not just to be nice, but because they can see past them and barely realize them anymore. And a distant friend/aquintance is going to be polite. And then the rest of the world just doesnt really see me. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't want to go to grad school just because that's the next thing you're supposed to do as a chem major. But I don't want to end up in a job I dislike because I don't have the schooling to get the kind of job that I want. I should explore my options a little more I guess, but I think I'm just afraid to find out what they are. I also don't know where I want to live. I love Buffalo and wouldn't mind living there for a long long long time (GO SABRES!), but there arent a whole lot of job opportunities in Buffalo. I also don't know if I'd want to go to grad school in Buffalo. With grad school- you never really get summers off or any kind of breaks and I would want to see my family. But I have the whole country to explore. I've at least narrowed it to the East Coast if for no other reason as it's gunna be hard enough just in there. Where would I want to spend five years of my life that I can't really get out of? Do I want to make that kind of commitment? Can I do it?

Which leads me to my next point- I'm starting to feel trapped lately. Trapped in a major because it's too late to change. This leads to- trapped in job posibilities. Trapped in swimming because I suck at quitting- I love the girls and I love the water, but there is a lot of stuff I don't like. Trapped in water polo- I've already said I'd go to California on the training trip, which means I wont see my family much at all this year. I dont know if with classes I can pull off a full season of polo- but as the afore mentioned inability to quit, once I start, itll just be that my grades are sacrificed if i dont have the time. I think I have some kind of fear of commitment- not really the relationship kind, though who knows, maybe that would happen/fall under this category too (not a whole lot to test it on)- that once I'm in something I'm stuck.

Ugh- I dont have time to melt down anymore, i have a p chem test on Friday. :-/

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: old backstreet boys music

Insanity
This week has been pretty crazy. I won't bore you with the past details so let's look forward. I have a Phyisical Chemistry test on Friday that I'm freaking out about. I really need to do well on this test because my homework average sucks. I guess part of me doesn't care. I guess with homework I'm like "eh, not that many points and there's a lot of them" but with a test... I need to do well.

I got tickets to So You think you can Dance? !!!! They came in the mail yesterday. I'm in orchestra 4 row C! I'm super excited to see them all dance! Travis and Benji! YES! I'm enthused, just a bit. My dad is coming to pick me up Friday and he's bring my grandma. She's never seen the campus and she really wants to come see it. I have something to look forward to. I have to write a computer program this weekend though. That kinda takes some of the fun out of it, but I'll manage. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm doing water polo at least for now. I retained a lot more of it than I thought and I think I'm impressing my coach too. I'm kinda excited about it. It's nice to be excited and wanting to work like crazy to be my best at something right now. I sure don't have it with swimming anymore. I love swimming but the whole situation here...

Time for bed! Miss you all!

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Emerson Drive

So you think you can dance
How often do YOU walk past a group of guys talking in your athletic center and hear them talking about greek? As in the language. The differences between today's greek and back in ancient times greek and how to interpret old greek? Yea, enough said. I definitely go to a school in a bubble.

However, everyone seems rather cheerful on campus today. I got a lot of "how's it going?"s from people I don't know while walking around campus today. Including when I was wandering around in my sweaty work out clothes. Go figure. It's nice though, so I'll take it.

My current obsession if finding tickets for the "So You Think You Can Dance" tour in Buffalo. You have no idea how much I want to go to this show. I would kill to be anywhere in the building, but if I'm going to pay crazy prices I'd like to be able to see the show. The seating in Sheas is awful if you aren't close. You can't see a bloody thing. I've spent countless hours online looking for tickets I can afford only to be outbid in the last seconds on eBay for anything I could possibly rationalize paying. I love dance and I really miss it. I know I quit back when I was 12/13 because of swimming but that's because I could only do one with how often each wanted me in a week. How do you choose between the two things that are like your lifeblood? I still have dreams of going back to ballet. I took it from a real professional ballet teacher so it wasn't all that fluffy stuff most dance academies try to pass off as ballet. I really would like to take up dance again- either ballet or modern or maybe even hip hop, but I don't know if I can find a beginner dance class that runs in the summers when I'm home. Or ever, if I wait until I graduate.

Just so you don't get lost in that paragraph- starting a new one. If anyone hears of good tickets on sale, ticket giveaways, or any possible ways to get tickets for the show that are decent and under like a couple hundred dollars... LET ME KNOW! I will love you forever. I wish I was in Buffalo and not in Grove City because I can't find out if any of the radio stations or anyone is giving away tickets.

Alright, off to do all the work I put off this weekend.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: "The Blower's Daughter" Damien Rice

Love...
How do you know when you've found someone that you should be with? How do you know if you're supposed to date them, if it's supposed to be happily ever after with them?

I've been told so many different things. Some people talk of the chemistry and/or connection when you meet a person and get to know them. But is it supposed to be there from day 1? And what constitutes a connection? Is it wanting to grab them and kiss them, wanting to learn every bit about them, or the hole you feel when they leave? Others talk of eye contact and the sparks that should fly when you make eye contact. Or maybe when you touch hands or hug. But sparks can fly with people that you are never actually supposed to be with (ie- once married, being attracted to someone isnt a switch that turns off).

What about when you miss them terribly when they aren't there? That your every thought is them, but you wont see them often enough to know about those physical sparks... is that enough? And what if you are putting up a wall to feeling anything because you don't want to be hurt? Can that even happen? Or is it just an excuse?

Where is the balance between physical attraction/chemistry and getting to know the person and being compatible? There has to be some physical attraction or things won't work out, but where does that stop mattering and where does the deeper stuff cut in? And where goes all of this stuff when you consider arranged marriages where the people learn to love each other over time? Are there really soul mates? Or are there just people that you aren't supposed to be with and people you can be with if you are willing to work through it all?

And people wonder why I have nightmares where I'm freaking out minutes before I'm supposed to walk to aisle because "is he really the right guy?"

Sheesh. (sorry, I just had to get that all out!)

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "Crawling Back to you" Backstreet Boys

Smell the onion rings...
The Stoneboro Fair is super creepy/sketchy for many reasons some of which are:
1) many female mullets
2) guys yelling weird/gross pickup lines
3) the guys running the rides were scarier than the rides
4) mud, mud, and more mud
5) tractors, tractors, and more tractors
6)walking a mile back to the car in the mud through narrow foresty and completely deserted areas
7) getting stuck in the parking lot
8) the overall dress/appearance of people

The plus side- Emerson Drive was AMAZING and some were... really good looking. I really enjoyed the concert more than I had expected to. I didn't know most of their songs though everyone else did and was singing along. Finally when they started playing this one song I was like "I KNOW THIS ONE!" and then I realized it was "Where the Streets have no name" by U2 (and Clay sang it on his tour 2 summers ago). I was singing along really loud and almost everyone else was silent... It was great. Guess the crowd don't know anything that isn't country. They were funny and attractive and sounded amazing together in concert. Normally in concert, especially outdoor concerts, bands sound all muddled or someone drowns out someone else, but it was very well balance.

Before we had gotten the largest slices of pizza I'd ever seen at a stand on the way in. After the concert we went on a ton of carnival spinning rides and the pizza didn't feel so good. Suddenly I wasn't so happy with all the extra dough. I was fine though.

On the way to the fair, Megan's car was leading and missed the turn so we ended up in Mercer and then they missed it on the way back from Mercer and our car had to call them to get them to come back. On the way out of the fair, our car got stuck in the mud and we had to roll it out and some kind people helped shove it a bit. However, at the same time that we were trying to get unstuck, there was a truck tied to a minivan (truck pulling) on this hill and they were going nowhere. If one of them stopped, they'd have both gone sliding down the hill. I hope they both got out, but once we got the car moving we flew out of there. We made it back without getting lost. (Though I have to say, if I hadn't gone, it would have taken so much longer just to find the parking lot... ;-) )

We sure packed a lot into 6 hours!

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: Emerson Drive

Alright, now for the current update. All 3 of my vacations were really nice. The 1000 islands was just a nice getaway for the weekend. We were right on the water and went out in the motorboat to watch the sunset. I dont think there is any place I feel more at home and completely me then when I'm out on the water (or even in it). We went to an art show that my mom's friend was in (it was just 2 of them- a small little gallery in Cape Vincent). The week after that I was finishing up at work and out in the field with Laura quite a bit. I was also super packing and went to Shakespeare in the Park (12th Night) with Marie. I was oogling this one guy who was the same age as me, but unfortunately he was actually pay attention to what he was supposed to be doing and not staring back. Ah well. ;-)

The next week was the Adirondacks where I did shopping in the little towns, hiking, canoeing, and kayaking. I slept out on the island across from our cottage with my cousin Elise, my uncle Mike (one of my uncle Mikes), and Elise's cousin Rosalie. Between the two cottages we had at one point 17 relatives there (though i'm not related to all of them). We also went to a kayaking demo that people got to try out kayaks and my aunt Terry was like "that boy helping out is a cutie! Go on Ria! Get him to help you out!" so I ended up trying out a really nice kayak. We also went to the obligatory Elvis concert. There is this guy who has been coming to Old Forge for the past... 9 or 10 years as an Elvis impersonator but he's a singer at all different stuff, not just Elvis so he sounds really good. It's always fun even though Elise always complains and this year boycotted. On Friday of that week (we go Saturday-Saturday) my dad's friend Mark and his son Brendan and his friend came to visit us. I don't remember the friends name- actually when he was introduced I didn't quite catch it and didn't want to say so, so I never actually knew it to forget it. I went out kayaking with the two of them (they just graduated college) in the double kayak. We had a double and a single and they switched who got to be in the single halfway around the island which was interesting for me because the kayak was swinging all over.

The week after that I was in South Carolina Sunday- Friday. I was visiting my Aunt Lori and Uncle Mike (the other uncle mike) in Greenville. Flying went well and I didnt have too bad of delays. We hung out quite a bit and I watched a lot of What Not to Wear, MythBusters, and lots of other cable shows that I never get. We shopped in Greenville. Wednesday Mike and I went white water rafting on the Chattoga (sp?) where they filmed Deliverance. It was an advanced course but I only got thrown in once and it was great fun. I would DEFINITELY do it again. I can see how people become adrenaline junkies. Thursday night we went to a Panthers/Dolphins game and the panthers won (yes!). It was my first NFL game, which is really sad, but at least now I've been to one! Charlotte is sooo pretty, i would definitely live there.

Saturday I moved back into GCC and made it through my first week! I liked seeing everyone from school again, I didn't realize how much I've missed them. My classes are... well they're going to be really hard but I should make it. I like my new room (and roommates). It's a triple again but so much bigger than the triple I had freshman year. Yesterday was a completely awesome day. My lab got cancelled so I didnt have anything. I did school work most of the day, got a letter, and went swimming for the first time in ages. The water felt so good. It was so nice to do a practice for myself. I haven't been that happy in the water in soooo long but it was a wake up as to why I keep swimming and why I love it. Water really is my element. So after that, today was kind of a letdown, but whatcha gunna do. Not every day can be amazing.

Now I'm off to see Step Up, so I'm signing off! I really will try to update this more and then the entries won't be so crazy long and you'll get more of my random musings that i have to edit out when I dont write for weeks. Miss you all!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: Love of my Life- Clay Aiken

Alright, so this is a post that I wrote and meant to put up a long time ago so some of it may be outdated, but deal. In a few minutes I'll put up a more recent post and then you'll have two. (ok Dana!?)

August 3

I haven't written in awhile because I put it off and then it seemed like too much time to talk about what happened each day or so but yet not enough time to talk about general things because not enough had happened. But I've decided to stop putting it off! So here we go!

I'm at work right now putting millions of numbers into the computer. All the data that I collected this summer and put into Excel they now want me to move over to another program. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time and part of the program isn't working because I need to put in decimal places but it wont let me unless i have admin priveledges and my boss is gone till next week. And next week is my last week! eek! Where did the summer go!? I've been working almost 11 weeks already! That is BEYOND insane. I'm so not ready for classes yet! I want a little fun first.

I'm off on vacation the two weeks after I finish here. First is the Adirondacks for a week with extended family and then down to SC! White water rafting, Panthers game, hiking, relaxing... I can hardly wait!

I went to Cornhill art festival with my parents and met up with Megan. The art was pretty and I had a LOT to talk about (well, I didnt realize it until we talked nonstop for 3 or 4 hours). It was so nice to talk to her. Working with all guys it gets pretty quiet sometimes. Even the talkative guys just aren't the same as talking to a girl. Laura (the only girl around who is rarely in the lab) has been taking me more out in the field with her so we talk about all kinds of things- work, boys, etc. It's been nice. Plus it gets me out of the lab. I've been doing the same tests for about 2 months now because my boss is so swamped that he hasnt had time to coordinate other stuff for me to do.

I've lifeguarded a little bit, emphasis on little. I haven't been called too often to work and I really don't want to work there that much any more. I loved it when I worked there but now I'm getting to old to listen to all the drama that goes on and have to be around it all. Everyone is so young there now! When I was there about a week or two ago one of the girls I started with who is now a supervisor was working. She was filling me in on all the drama and hookups at the pools this summer. It was kinda funny to listen to but so pathetic at the same time. Just confirmation that I needed to move on...

Working has taken up most of my time, but I've been getting to the gym a fair bit. I haven't gotten to any concerts (so mad I missed Nickleback, Kelly Clarkson, and the Goo Goo Dolls-> all separate concerts-> just because I didn't know anyone to go with me) and I've only seen Pirates so far this summer even though I've wanted to see Cars, The Devil Wears Prada, and about a million other movies. I went golfing 9 holes with my dad a few weeks ago. We were going to do 18 but it was raining so they closed. I am so inconsistent, I shot from a 4 (it was a par 3 course) to a 9 or 10. Ah well, just need to work on it a bit more I suppose. I also took a cooking class on chicken salads- 4 different kinds (mmm so good!) and my grandma taught me how to make placek (polish coffee cake- kinda) and REAL and AMAZING pierogies.

I'm headed to the 1000 Islands this weekend (in... the St. Lawrence between the US and Canada) because my mom's friend has a house there on the water. Should be a nice mini break, but it means I have no more weekends at home before coming back to school. I've already started the college packing and shopping and I'm going to have to be doing it all weeknights and have it done by next Friday! That's scary! I have to pack for my 2 back to back trips by then too!

Haven't written lately because... so much to say and so little to say. Yup, thats right. I think I'm going to go schizo on this entry and jump thought to random thought.

Started the new job at the sewer plant. I'm working in "Sewerage Management". That means I test sewage all day. It's really not as bad as it sounds and I'm getting know a bunch of processes. I like that I have an hour paid lunch where I normally go to the mall or Starbucks or Wegmans and eat lunch and read a book. It seems so... grown up. Working 8-4 and all that jazz. I really like that feeling. I don't like that I don't talk to people that much and that the only girl in the lab is not there most of the time, but I love that I'm out there in the world. Now all I need is my own apartment to decorate and remodel and all the rest! I can't explain why it makes me so happy, but it really really does.

I joined the BAC so I'm trying to work out 3 times a week or more. I enjoy working out, the hard part is dragging myself there. I will get back in shape!

So Clay's coming out with a new CD. He was working on this one for a really long time and then decided to scrap it and go with mostly covers of old songs because they don't write like they used to or something like that. However, this angers me. I mean, I'm glad to be getting new songs in Clay's voice, but I want to be able to have a CD that is really really good (MOAM was average because he didnt get a song choice, it was all the AI people chosing for him) and just his songs. I have so many CDs of covers from him. Everything on AI, his Christmas CD, BOTW, Solitaire, etc. I want something that is just him. Ah well, I'll still buy it and love him, but... couldn't he have put out both? If he already had the other CD... :-/

As told in a conversation with Dana...
Me : so- with going to a new church and starting a new job... i realized how distressing it is that i've only been asked out once. when people ask if i have a boyfriend and i say no and they ask why not, there is no nonloserish way to say "i havent been asked"
Dana: well they shouldn't have been asking
Dana: and you should say 'i haven't found the right person yet'
Dana: because of course, the right person would ask you
Me: yea, but people are always dating
Dana: so you come across as serious and thoughtful
Ah the joys.

I miss everyone everywhere. I'm sad about the sabres. No, distraught is a better word. And just not talking about it, not reading about it, not thinking about it or I'll cry until next season.

I enjoy that my job is only at my job site. I'm definitely not someone who wants to take there work with them everywhere and have that be their entire life. If I'm going to be always busy, I would like it to be with many things and not just my job. Still don't know what I want to do though. I don't know if I just want to be a lab tech all my life. I'd like some responsibility, but I hate all the lawsuits for anything these days. If I'm going to have authority, I'd like to actually have it and not be undermined by some moron with some dumb case that some dumb judge or jury oversees.

The ending of Alias was good. Things came together well, especially after a rocky... 3 seasons? The first 2 were so good, the third was... well it had the Lauren so that was really annoying, but alright until the crazy Rambaldi stuff at the end with Nadia and the potion. Season 4 had no real enemy until the second half and the zombie thing was out there. Season 5 was just season 1 with new people. I never really got into the new people. Rachel was ok, but Peyton needed to DIE and Tom never evoked any emotion from me besides "YOU AREN'T CUTE! WE LOST VAUGHN AND WEISS FOR YOU!?"

So much more to say, but I can't remember it anymore so last thing is... it bothers me that people can be brought down so easily. It only takes one mistake to destroy your life. ~sigh~

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Amazing Race theme

10 Things...
I may have said some of these things at some point so I'm titling my list "10 Things I've never said, I should have said, or I should say a whole lot more often." I was going to say all nice things, but then I realized that would be no fun, so sorry if you got bumped... you can look at 10 for one about you!

1. I have to thank you for being so amazing to me. Noone, except my parents, have ever made me feel as loved and as beautiful as you did. I don't regret a single moment with you, I look back on memories with you so fondly. Thanks for being awesome. I wish that we could be friends now, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I should have told you long ago how much I appreciated everything you did for me.

2. You know me and I know you better than most people. We can communicate without ever saying a word. You are awesome and I'm sad that I don't get to see or hear from you often. Just know that no matter how much you think I approve, I will always love you unconditionally and you're a huge bright spot in my life. If I could bring complete happiness forever to someone, I'd give it to you in a heartbeat. I love you!

3. Let's keep this simple. I loathe you. Everything about you annoys me. I really would not mind if I never saw you again. I'm not even sure if I ever did like you. I know you aren't all evil, but I've got too many good people in my life to waste time with you.

4. There was a point when I probably would have never pegged us as friends. We can be so different and both so stubborn that the murder of each other seemed inevitable. However, somehow we made it and you're someone I can really talk to. I wish you would have let me protect you better, that you wouldn't have hidden so much but that's not how you are. I'm so happy that you are happy now and I hope that you can stay that way.

5. There is a part of me that only you will ever really understand. You've been there for me when things have been really bad. Maybe I was there for you too, but you've never seemed to be dependent on anyone. I admire how strong you are. Thanks for the amazing memories.

6. You've shown me so much, breaking all the stereotypes I had in my head. I know we're not as close as we used to be- well actually I don't know how close we ever were- but I know that you have shown me a lot of things that will change how I see the world from now on. Thanks for being there for me- and thanks for not being there either. Sounds silly I know, but I needed that too.

7. I used to admire you. I used to count you as a pretty good friend. Now, I just don't know. I don't know whether to be sad or angry. I know there is still good in there somewhere, but I'm not sure when/if I'll see it again, at least not like I use to. I hope I never get to the point of disliking you...

8.You... can be a pain in the butt, but yet we understand each other. Sort of. Sometimes you make absolutely no sense, but I like that too because it's like a puzzle. I know you'll always be there even when I blow up and curse you out. The next day it's always as if nothing happened and I'm glad to have that. That you understand that even if I mean it, I'm fine the next day. Everyone said that it would be surprising who we- all of us- stay in touch with after high school. It wasn't a surprise to me, I know you would be one of those people always there for me.

9. You see the good in everyone. It can be so great sometimes, but I'm really afraid that it will lead you down a dangerous path. I'm worried that you'll place someone in a higher standing than they should be. Either way, you've been my comfort blanket, my security, the one I run to whenever I need to know that someone cares. You're the sweetest!

10. This is to all those I have counted as friends over the years. I've never been one who feels like they fit in. Thanks for putting up with me and being some of the most amazing people I've run across. I am so loved by so many people. I could never say enough thank yous!

Current Mood: nostalgic
Current Music: The Afters- "The Way You Are"

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